If you know me, you know I am the self-proclaimed female George Costanza.
I also am trying to post QUALITY posts over QUANTITY posts (shoutout to my main heezy, Casey Palmer, for that sweet blog advice.)
TODAY IS FESTIVUS. HAPPY FESTIVUS TO ALL!
Now – for the main event: the Airing of [my] Grievances. What a better way to rant/complain/bitch/vent/let it all out than my public diary on one of my most favourite occasions of the year?!
Later this evening, I will perform Feats of Strength. Find me in the gym for that bad boy!
2013 you were – for the most part – pretty freaking awesome. However, I do have some shit to sort out with you.
Let us commence.
- To the people in the gym who leave their towels over machines to “reserve them” or whatever weak excuse they have. STOP THAT. Especially women in the women’s only section at my gym. Go purchase equipment for your home gyms if you’re going to act like that.
- To the people who follow/unfollow/follow on social media and beg me to follow you, this is all I have to say to you:
- To the people who talk to me during my set at the gym. DO. NOT. DO. THAT. You’re breaking my mind-muscle connection like Thor broke the rainbow bridge – except it’s 100 times less cool.
- Mother Nature in 2013: what the hell, girl?! Go get some lovin’ from Father Time or something. You’re totally killing my buzz: you made me miss a few dates and some crucial business meetings. Flooding, a dumping of snow, a deadly typhoon and an ice storm? NO.
- The price of chicken breasts. I do not need to elaborate on this.
- The price of almond butter. See above.
- iOS7 and your complete destruction of words when autocorrecting. Go home, you’re drunk.
- GUYS. MALES. MEN (…debatable.) Again…do not need to elaborate. You’re annoying and confusing and I’m four dates away from becoming a crazy dog lady.
- Rent in Toronto. Seriously? Why would I spend a paycheck on a space equivalent to a cardboard box? Toronto, you’re too bougie for me.
- People who believe playing the victim will achieve them higher social status and/or put them in a favourable position and/or I have no idea what they’re thinking, but it’s annoying. I ran into this a lot this year and let’s just say…IT GRINDS MY GEARS. Be strong, people. You could have it so much worse. #firstworldproblems is an epidemic. And if you think this applies to you…yeah I just called you out on it.
- PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN. LOL IRONIC. (IS THIS THE CORRECT USE OF IRONY? HA!)
- Commuting via GO Transit. I pay almost 14 dollars a day five days a week to stand 65% of the time during my 30-40 minute commute. (SO MANY STATZ.) And they’re hiking the fare next year. No thanks.
- Too-obvious fake boobs. Being exposed to the competing world, I notice them EVERYWHERE. Everyone and their grandma has them now. I’m gonna bring back the A-maybe-a-small-B-cup to the fitness world. JUST WATCH.
- People who don’t know how to use social media. It’s 2013. If you cannot use it or be professional on it (that is, if you have an active business on social media), please leave. It’s embarrassing. Just stay traditional.
- Why I don’t have hamstring-glute separation yet. I’M GRIEVING FOR THIS. I’m impatient. I’m a Leo. Get over it.
I am self-aware enough that this is a very negative post – I even contemplated trashing it in the middle of writing it. But I really love Seinfeld and find Festivus hysterical, so I thought…why not?! Everyone’s always posting positive things about the year in reflection, so why not be the black sheep?
May 2014 bring glute and back gains and a bigger, more satisfying pay check.